Connie Jakab

This year I decided to research the issue of human trafficking, a issue that has become widespread in popularity.  I didn’t understand it and had doubts about its existence in Canada outside stereotypical prostitution.   My findings have been sobering.  After interviewing those who work with restoring the lives of trafficking victims, talking with girls who have come out of trafficking in Canada and reading the book, Invisible Chains, Canada’s Underground World of Human Trafficking by Benjamin Perrin, I can assure you that trafficking not only exists in our cities, but is growing more and more each year.  I wanted to share with you some of my findings from the book Invisible Chains as well as from my interviews.  If you are unaware about trafficking in Canada and North America in general, read and be educated.  This is a problem that isn’t going away.  More than ever, we need education to bring awareness and protect our young ones.   I would challenge you not to only read, but take it personally.  This is our country, our home and our children.  We can’t ignore this.

When diving into my research, one of the questions pressing me was, what would drive one human to treat another as less than human?  Here’s what it all comes down to: money.  ”Domestic sex traffickers earn an average of $280,000 annually from every victim under their control.”  (Invisible Chains).  That’s ONE victim.  Often they will have 2-4 victims working for them.  This revenue is greater than the revenue generating by drug dealing.  With this kind of money, you can see trafficking will only increase if not confronted.

The sobering truth is that  sex trafficking would not exist in Canada without demand.  “Why is there tolerance for buying another person? “Why aren’t clients going to jail?  If there weren’t a buyer, there wouldn’t be a procurer, and there wouldn’t be a victimized woman or child.” - Linda Smith of Shared Hope International.   This is where my research got disturbing.

In the book, Invisible Chains, Benjamin Perrin gave a profile of a typical buyer (john) and how they justify their actions.  He writes:

Purchasers (Johns) of sex acts rely on many and contradictory justifications for rationalizing their behavior:

“If nobody knows about it, how can it be wrong”

“If my wife doesn’t find out, what she doesn’t know isn’t going to hurt her.”

“I deserve this because….”

“My wife hasn’t given me sex in three weeks.  I’m a man.  I need this.”

Purchasers of sex acts attempt to convince themselves that they’re helping the prostituted/trafficked person by giving her money, further rationalizing their actions on the grounds that they are not hurting anyone.  Some claim the woman chose this line of work and enjoys it.”

The average client is the average man.  1988 Gallup poll estimated that 7% of Canadian men have paid for sex. 6- to 72 percent of participants had some post secondary education and most were gainfully employed.  50% of sex purchasers were fathers.

The desire to always be in control and to have a variety of anonymous partners without consequences or responsibility has even been dubbed, “McSex”.  One john states, “It’s like going to McDonald’s.  It’s satisfying, its greasy; and then you get the hell out of there.”

If there is ever a day when we need to mentor our young men in their sexuality and treatment of women, it’s today.  Culture everywhere is teaching a man what a woman is for, which often is an image of objectification.  As a mom of two boys, I take this responsibility seriously; to educate my sons in their sexuality and in how to treat a woman.  I was reminded of this again while walking through the mall with my six year old.  As we passed by the store, Pink with a picture of a teenage girl in revealing underwear, my son blurted out; “She’s showing off her bum!”  In his innocent six year old eyes, bums are still funny, but the reality hit that soon he will not only notice, but will have to be taught how to process visuals such as these.  We can’t sweep it under the rug and hope our young boys aren’t noticing.  We need to walk them through the messages culture is giving them about women and their bodies.

I like what Benjamin Perrin states about a man’s learned sexual behavior; “While having sex is a basic biological function, men have to be socialized or induced to feel that it would be pleasurable to pay a stranger for sex.  They have to be taught this.  Paying for sex is a learned behavior, not a natural and uncontrollable urge.”  I’m glad a man said it.  My husband has much to say on this topic as well.  He tells me often that a man is able to control his sexual urges, despite the men who state they can’t.  My husband considers this to be the ultimate spiritual discipline.  I don’t know about you, but as his wife, that is powerful for me to know.  The safety and security that brings me as a woman is beyond it’s weight in gold.  Imagine this was the reality taught to young men in our world?

It’s time we get back to the responsibility we have to the humanity of others.  The purchasers of sex acts are just as  responsible for the suffering the women they’ve used as are the traffickers supplying the women.

We need to be reminded what’s at stake.  For minutes of pleasure, the buyer could lose everything.  This goes beyond “getting caught”.  We need to get back to the principle of prize of character in our lives: where we do what’s right when no one’s looking for nothing other than taking pride in our decisions and building ourselves as people of integrity.  Even if one never gets caught, the darkness brought to the soul by terrorizing another human for pleasure is a dark hole that will leak into other decisions and areas of life eventually.  One john tells his story: “At the height of my addiction I was spending tens of thousands of dollars on sex, drugs, and gambling every year.  There was a lot of shame… porn movies, strip bars, pimps and drug dealers.  The addiction cost me my business, my wife, my children and my freedom.”

The fact is: prostitution and trafficking remains because the demand remains.  ”The more we pretend that human trafficking does not occur or that we bear no individual responsibility in battling it, the closer it will come to our front doors.” (Benjamin Perrin)

Oppression thrives where it is unseen and unheard.  – Willam Wilberforce

What can we all do?  Commit ourselves again to integrity and model and mentor the next generation in character well.  Their lives depend on it.

Trafficking is something that has remained invisible to most of society.  Many don’t realize what an immense problem it has become.  Some are realizing they can make more money off a human body than selling drugs, driving this horrific business through the roof right under our noses.   I’ve just finished the book, Invisible Chains by Benjamin Perrin about trafficking in Canada.  It was an enlightening, yet very sobering read.  I will be blogging my findings soon.  Until then, here’s a woman’s personal story.  She was willing to share as we get ready for the show Invisible showing in less than a month!

You can view her story by clicking here

Mike Jefferies, CEO of Abercromie and Fitch knows how to get publicity, that’s for certain.  From a business standpoint, you can’t hate on a guy for having a target market.  His target market just happens to be a very narrow one.  People are all in a rage over his choice exclusion of the “uncool”.  If you haven’t heard about #fitchthehomeless, click here to find out what one creative man is doing to show his disgust.  Many are up in arms about how dehumanizing this is to the homeless population.  I love the concern many are showing for the homeless.  To these passionate responses I can only hope that the mouths from which these concerns are coming from are also saying friendly “hello’s” to the homeless as they pass them by.  Our lack of acknowledgment, stereotyping, and even speaking for a people we have no relationship with dehumanizes them as well.  They have a voice of their own.  If we want to hear it, all we need to do is be willing to hear it.

But target markets and revolts against A&F is not the aim of this post.  This post is to bring awareness to the face that the culture of elitism is on its way out.  Our world is riding a new wave of collaboration, inclusion and ways to bring people together in community.  Smart businesses are marketing this core need in to their tribes by offering social responsibility and community initiatives.  Non-profits that thrive are ones you see working in collaboration.  Communities experiencing transformation have seen an increase in ownership of societal issues and an awareness of the importance of knowing neighbours.  Issues of poverty are being combatted by various groups of people leaning in together to solve the issues together, rather than relying solely on government.  This is the new “normal”.  Isolating and excluding others based on looks, race and social standing is becoming unattractive and repulsive.  If you’re running a business, a non-profit, building a church, or just seeking to survive in our Western culture today, you’re going to need to embrace this new vision of coming together as a collective society.

I love demonstrating this in schools where I teach dance through what I learned through the Cypher.  First, let’s start by defining what on earth that means for the many who are unaware of hip hop culture.  Often in circle form, this is where freestyle dance happens in the middle.  For many of us, all we’ve seen of the cypher is in movies where only the best of the best go into the middle to show off their sickest moves, or a dance battle takes place between two amazing dancers.  Those who make up the outside of the cypher are only there to observe.  They aren’t included unless they’re as dope as the others.  However, did you know that bboying (aka: breakdance) is learned in community?  At the end of a session where we’ve learned foundation movement, we will often practice in the cypher.  When my turn comes, I head into the middle to learn to freestyle the movements I’ve just learned in class.  It’s most likely I’m going to mess up, get stuck, or forget movements.  This is where the game changes.  The centre of the cypher is no longer reserved for the “best”, but for learning, and the outside of the cypher becomes particularly important.  Every person is not only a learner a part of the community, but one who can encourage and even instruct the one in the cypher if they get stuck.  Everyone is welcome from the beginner to the expert.

The most amazing thing I have learned through cyphering in class is one thing many who still practice elitism and exclusion will never get to experience: true celebration of others.   You see here’s the deal: after practicing my moves in the cypher with my trusted community, I gain something that no one can take from me; something that can only be deeply rooted and grounded in the soils of my heart through this idea of supportive community.  That one thing is courage.  All of a sudden, I can do something I never thought i could.  I can swipe.  I can go down to the floor and bust out.  I can groove.  Maybe I could even battle?  And that’s not the craziest thing!  When I have the courage to battle, in bboy culture I get a bboy/bgirl name.  That means all the labels others have put on me, and even the ones I’ve put on myself, come off and I wear this new name; this new identity.   But get this, don’t miss it: I could have never battled without courage, and courage manifests itself in supportive community.

Courage is inclusive.  Courage sees in others what they don’t see in themselves.  It’s a mark that the Kingdom of God is present. Courage thrives in community while it withers in a culture of “us and them”.  If you can make someone feel they are not included, you may gain power over them, but you’ll never see communities thrive, because communities are made up of individuals.  You’ll never see an end to epidemic problems such as bullying and poverty.  On the other hand, a culture of inclusion ushers in courage to combat even the worst of our world’s problems.  It can take a kid from the roughest neighbourhood in the city and give them hope and transformation.

This is what marketing to the beautiful will never see.  This is what ignoring the marginalized will never get to experience.  I want to live each and every day in the adventure of bringing out the beauty in others. This is only revealed through community and collaboration.  I dare you to see who you can join with to bring courage and compassion to a world who would pay millions for just a taste of that.

My friend Lara Krupicka just posted an e-book called “Family Bucket Lists”.  I’ve just finished this amazing book and I’m inspired to do this with our family.   Here is how Lara describes the Family Bucket List:

For our purposes, a bucket list is a compilation of dreams and aspirations that reflects the heart desires of the creator (or creators). A bucket list is a personal document, not a copycat of what others deem important. Your bucket list is what you value. After all, your desires look different from mine and your children’s dreams do not necessarily match those of my children. Therefore, our bucket lists will be different from each other. Your children’s lists will also be different from yours. In fact, you may be surprised to discover what people you know and love long to do, see, and experience in life.

Families are busy and stressed, longing for time to be together doing meaningful things. I love what Lara has written about the heart of why she wrote this book:

 

This book is great for anyone wanting ideas in how to get you and your kids dreaming about what could be.  I truly believe every family could use a little more dream-time  that leads to silly fun and adventures.

You ready for it?  You can purchase the e-book here and get going on it.  Summer’s coming.  What perfect timing to put this book into play.

- Connie Jakab

Last year when producing the show Something To Say I purged my closet (which you can read about here) and determined not to buy a new outfit for a year.  This is a big deal for me as clothes shopping is my addiction.  I love clothes, and in the past it wouldn’t be uncommon for me to buy a new piece of clothing almost weekly!  I was nervous about my commitment of a year.  It seemed impossible in the moment.

Yet, I did it and I can honestly say, it wasn’t painful.   Don’t get me wrong, I did purchase a few items like two pairs of jeans because my other ones decided to get holes in them, and I bought two summer dresses, one which was an impulsive fail on my part.  However, looking back, one impulsive fail in a year is a miracle for me.  Looking through my closet, I can see where most of the clothes have come from: clothes swaps and from my credit at the consignment store.  I love it when people compliment my attire when I know I got all of it for free!

The biggest transformation I have seen in myself is the decrease of desire in getting new clothes.  Even through clothes swaps and consignment, I’m not filling my closet with ten new t-shirts I’ll never wear.  The clothes I have in my closet are clothes I wear on a regular basis.  Studying global human slavery has only increased my desire for less. Documentaries such as Not My Life or Not for Sale have wrecked me.  Then I see an image like this and I’m undone. How do I go back to feed by consumer desires after knowing the effects it has on others around the world?  How much does vanity and “stuff” mean to me? We live in a consumer culture where media covers the tragedy in Bangladesh and problems of garment factories  and then applaud the opening of Target the next day.  You could say we live in a twisted society.  We all feel the tension of needing to buy clothes for our families and wanting (and sometimes needing) a new outfit, yet knowing someone is paying a great price for our great bargain.  And how does one know where it’s truly safe to shop for clothing that has been made by people in good working conditions?

Many could say to this, “Slavery has always existed. We can’t just stop living or buying. The problem is too big to think that we could really make a difference.”   To this I answer the same each time, “I’m glad Martin Luther Jr. didn’t share that opinion about abolishing black slavery.”  That seemed impossible to defeat, yet because of one man’s courage and determination and decision to act, freedom was found.  It’s a small decision to cut back clothing purchases, but then when I do, I’m making a moral decision on behalf of others that may not change the face of slavery in the world, but a choice that could inspire others to make better shopping choices.  Together, we CAN make a difference in the lives of workers all around the world.   All it takes is a little death to self-consumption.  Perhaps this is a part of what the gospel means when it challenges us to give up our lives for others.  Could that include knowing our purchasing choices impact His world?

To me, it’s pretty black and white.  We either care about these tragedies with our purchasing power or we don’t.  Shame didn’t drive me to make better choices.  Knowing I have purchasing power to make a difference awakened my heart to the answer I hold in my debit or visa card.

You have that same power.  What will you do with it?

Dear Church,

I have questions in my heart and a hope that you could possibly be an answer to some serious issues I see in our world.

I’ve been questioning the things we find important.  Things we focus on like providing “great worship”.  You mean a great band?  I’m really starting to wonder if that’s the point?  I don’t think people outside of the church care if we sing songs they recognize or if the band sounds great.  I’m not fully convinced God cares that much either?  I know we do everything with the desire to stamp “excellence” on it, but what IS worship?  I wonder if the same excellence could be focused onto meeting the needs of the poor, orphan and widow.  Could that be worship?  Have we come to the place where we worship, worship?  This is not sarcasm, these are my honest questions.

How much money do we spend on trying to be relevant to society?  Screens, smoke machines, Circ De Soleil inspired performances… do you think those outside our walls really care?  Being outside the walls, I”m discovering most don’t.  As we focus all our Monday-Friday efforts in strategies to bring the “lost” to us, they continue in their day to day lives, not really giving the church a second thought.  Yet we continue to do this week after week thinking the next innovative idea will somehow make a difference.  We count the numbers and get obsessed with them.  They either feed us shame, or give us something to report on at conferences.   Is this the great Church God envisioned? Or is there something greater we have the opportunity to discover?  As our budgets bust from the pressure of the attraction we are trying to create, perhaps eyes would turn more if we became passionate about the things society is deeming important?  Things like educating our youth in compassion, community and empathy?  Things like solutions to poverty issues, offering radical hospitality to the marginalized, providing safe housing to those who are escaping unbearable situations.  Bathe it all in faith, hope and love and it sounds like the kind of worship service all are not only invited to, but one everyone is looking for.

Have we have believed a speaking career, building platforms, websites, and writing books classifies “success” in church culture?  How successful has our definition of “success” really been in impacting our world and seeing lives changed for the better?  I feel the only lives it has made better is our own.

All that being said, I am filled with a great amount of excitement for the opportunity the church has in our generation. The definition of righteousness, justice, has come to the forefront as more than just a fad, but a revelation of the heart of God for those He values as worthy of human rights and existence.   My friend, Sara Curdie brings me joy when she writes the following about her passion and vision for the church:

“Justice is what love looks in public” ~ Cornel West

We believe that God’s heart towards the poor, the vulnerable, the oppressed, and the marginalized is clearly reflected in Scripture and in the life of Jesus.  What is our role in justice?  To understand God’s heart, to be aware of injustice and to advocate on behalf of the poor, the oppressed, and the marginalized. 

Once we open our eyes, we will see injustice everywhere.  We can’t hide ourselves away from the ugliness, the brokenness, and the darkness.  How will we shine the light into the darkness if we are afraid to go to the dark places?  We want to boldly raise our voices to say that:

• Setting others free is more important to us than maintaining our own freedoms.
• Fighting for what is fair is more important than getting our fair share
• Our peace is shattered when others have no peace
• It is more important to wipe someone’s tears than to avoid being mocked and ridiculed.
• That we are more concerned with including others, than with being included.
• That we are more concerned with the needs of others than our own comfort.

Now that is something I can believe in and join with – not another amazing production.   As one who produces shows in theatres with excellence, I understand the importance of presentation and story-telling, but when it loses the simple raw, heartfelt cause to love the unlovable; when “outsiders” feel like outsiders and are left out until they conform to our image, then it only sounds like annoying cymbals.

As I walk the streets where homelessness abounds and seek poverty solutions in my city where many hide behind mountains of debt just to appear they lack nothing, I can’t tell you how much opportunity I see for the church to rise to the glory of the One who leads her.  There are problems we can help solve, peace we can bring to the earth and restoration to brokenness.   It’s an amazing wonder and delight to partner with the Kingdom to see all things new.

 “This is the kind of fast day I’m after:
    to break the chains of injustice,
    get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
    free the oppressed,
    cancel debts.
What I’m interested in seeing you do is:
    sharing your food with the hungry,
    inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
    putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
    being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
    and your lives will turn around at once.” – Isaiah 58:6-9

I wanted to share with you a writing by Ann Voskamp that has inspired me every step of this journey producing the show. It’s what I’ve read every time I wanted to give up, or when I needed inspiration or a reminder of why we’re doing this. If you have a moment, reading this will give you a glimpse into my heart for the show and the cause we are advocating for.  Artwork by our artist Harriet Stanley.

Dear Thriver,
You didn’t just survive, so let’s toss that myth right out at the outset. I’ve seen you living chin brave through the hurt and how you keep taking one step out of bed and one through the door. How you scale mountains by relentlessly taking steps forward. The way you keep walking? You’re no victim. You’re a thriver. You may bleed, but you rise.

I’ve seen your wounds. Not that you badge-flash your scars, or try to hide them ashamed. It’s just sometimes I see a passing lficker in your eyes, an old pain shooting right through. But mostly, quietly, the scars just become you, who you are. They become the way your skin pulls mottled and raised over your soul and this is how you fit.

How can you look healed and thickened, and still feel so thin? Inside, the warrior is small. The Kingdom belongs to such as these.

I just- I just wanted to reach out and – just touch, glance your wounds. You don’t have to say anything, explain anything, excuse anything. I just wanted to touch them, acknowledge them. Because wounded warriors win. You are so brave to keep facing the light, to keep walking towards home.

Hang on. Press in. Look up.

Can I just whisper? I know you must feel people have wanted you to go away. Sweep your scars under the proverbial rug. Erase you, avoid you, silence you. Because it’s too uncomfortable for us; the community, the neighbours, the church, to face our own culpability in scars; face our own fallen disfigurement. We don’t want to know details or listen to wounds weep, or wade into the bloody mess.

We would rather make pain invisible than say injustice is intolerable. So the injustice continues.

So we pretend you don’t exist, so we can pretend the sin that caused this wound doesn’t exist – because ultimately, we don’t really think the Wounded Healer exists.

Thriver, there’s a whole lot of us who believe; who are getting to our feet and sticking out our necks. We want you to know – we want you. You, not masked, not prettified, but you, with your messy scars and your tender blue places, and all that just-below-the-skin-hurt. Because when we ignore suffering, we ignore the Suffering Savior.

We need you. We need to cup your tear to water hard and crusted places. We need your raw story – or we lose hope of redemption.

We need to hold your broken heart, or we have no heart.

- Ann Voskamp

Invisible is a show about women’s vulnerabilities playing at Theatre Junction Grand, June 14-15, 2013.  All proceeds go to Hope Home, a house in Calgary opening 2013/2014 for pregnant girls with no where to go.  You can purchase tickets here.

Last week, I left my house with nothing but the clothes on my back and went downtown to our YWCA shelter to spend the night for “Keep A Roof Over Her Head”.   I can’t deny how odd it felt to drive myself downtown to be homeless…

Let me just say right off the top that spending one night in a shelter with others who are there to learn more about homelessness can never, ever truly tell what someone who faces that every day goes through.  The CEO of the YWCA (who also slept over) stated, “In the morning, I want you to remember that the average woman who used our shelter over the winter stayed 154 nights in a row.  Think about 153 more nights when you wake up tomorrow.”   – a thought I couldn’t shake all night as I slept on a hard mat with the lights on.

In the morning, I felt exhausted.  I couldn’t get to sleep because of others in the room chatting and because of the lights.  There was no comfortable position for my body on the hard mat.  However, I was grateful for a mat, and not to have to sleep on the floor.   Dinner the night before was upsetting my stomach.  I have a wheat intolerance and the pasta and bun didn’t sit well.  Reality check: when you’re homeless, you eat what you get – even if you have allergies.

However, let me get to what really struck me.  Shone Abet Thistle from the YWCA told a story of her imagining she was fleeing domestic violence.  She had three minutes to gather everything she deemed important and put it in a plastic bag.  What would she bring?  She managed to stuff items into her bag quickly, but then just before heading out the door, she saw a picture of her grandmother on the wall that was still in it’s original casing.  It had been passed down from her grandma to her mother, and now to her.  Should she bring it?  She broke down knowing she had to leave it behind.

We don’t realize how much is lost when a woman has to flee her home.  Imagine for a moment losing all you have in the comforts of your own home, only to find yourself sleeping on a mat, eating buns and pasta, and having to leave the building at 6am with no where to go other than wander the streets in the daytime – no matter what the weather.  For many, they did not choose to lose everything.  How easy it is to become an addict to numb the pain.  To choose to sell your body for sex so you can at least sleep in a bed under a roof, even if it means giving yourself to a man who only cares for the use of your body.   How lonely must it feel to sleep night after night wondering what will happen to you, your home, your kids, and your life as you knew it?

I can imagine most of these women want to cry out, “This is not who I am!”, but her cries are not heard by those passing her on the street.  All they see is a good-for-nothing woman who needs to “go get a job”.  The hard truth is that in my province of Alberta, we carry the 2nd highest rate of violence against women.  905 women and 195 children were turned away due to over-capacity from the YWCA in my city of Calgary last year.  Where do they go from there?

There are glitches in our system that keep women impoverished once they get there.  For example: women who lose their children due to living in a shelter often can’t afford to get them back because they no longer will receive government funding we all receive for her children, thus decreasing her income.  How can she survive on $323 a month??  Even if she has a job that pays $10/hr?

Even beyond issues of fleeing domestic violence, all it could take is one illness to find someone living on street.  How many of us have money saved for emergencies such as this for 6 months of income?  3 months?  Even 1 month?  With the cost of living, many of us are living paycheque to paycheque.  This became very real to me while I laid on my mat that night.

Homelessness is something that we have become used to in our society. It’s not odd to see a business person crossing the street along side one carrying a big bag of bottles.  We don’t even flinch anymore.  When we do look, we can easily think of all the reasons how they got themselves into that situation to dismiss their pain from our eyes.

I’m done with stereotyping them.

I’m done with coming up with why they are there.

I’m finding out the truth, and more than ever I see how we are all the same.

I want to feel their pain, and let it move me to intolerance.

To me, they are not invisible any longer.

Women’s homelessness is one of the topics we are presenting in our show, Invisible playing at Theatre Grand Junction June 14-15, 2013 in Calgary, AB.  Tickets are on sale.  Hungry to know more and what can be done.  Tickets are on sale for only $25 by clicking here.

I remember junior high.   Ah yes,  the time in life when it was a good thing they locked us up for three years; it was hormones gone wild!   I remember my best friend and I would talk for endless hours about the popular boys we had crushes on and how we wish we were the girls they would look at.   One day, my best friend got a new hairstyle and decided to give the popularity thing a real “go”.   She succeeded.  I watched my best friend become a completely different person.   We laugh about it now, because I did the same the following year.

It was sickening.  Finally in grade 11 I got some common sense and decided to live true to who I really was.   I lost quite a few “friends” but found out quickly how shallow those friendships really were.   But from all I lost, I gained a ton.  I gained self respect and a new group of friends who just loved Connie; quirks and all.

Funny how we leave high school thinking we’re finally free from the insanity of elitism only to find that the adults we’ve become still have these youthful mannerisms still attached – it’s just more sophisticated and diplomatic.

“Popularity contests are not truth contests…. your task is to be true, not popular” (Jesus)  Somehow Jesus knew that those who strive to be approved by others would lose at the truth-to-self game.  He reminds us of what He requires of us: to be true.  That’s it.   That doesn’t mean everyone is going to turn and approve you.  It doesn’t mean you won’t be left out, but what it does mean is that you’ll have something far greater and worth much more: truth.

For elitism to exist means that somewhere we believe that only certain people matter and the rest are just pawns.  How is elitism any different than those who justify making slaves of a lesser race?  How is it different than a man who can use a whore for sex and not think twice about it because he has dehumanized her? It seems like a harsh comparison, but when you get to the heart of them all, it all comes back to devaluing another human.  When we can’t see value in others, it’s easy to dehumanize them.

Why should anyone feel they are alone?  Isn’t that the worst feeling in the world?  Being alone in a room full of people, feeling you don’t fit brings brokenness to the heart.  However, something beautiful happens when we experience the sting of rejection; we recognize others who are feeling the same and seek to include them.

In the past month, I have had numerous women confess to me of their loneliness and feelings of despair when it comes to finding people who will love and accept them.   In talking to them, there’s is absolutely nothing wrong with them.  They are bright, funny, and enjoyable to be around.  Why would they be left to feel they don’t fit?

Wouldn’t it be beautiful if we moved from tolerating others, to taking a moment to see their beauty?  What if we looked for the value in others and then honoured that value?  Moving past acceptance to a place of honour is needed in our culture.  This can only happen when we come from a place of knowing our origin: that we are daughters, worthy of love.  When our worth is realized, it’s easy to find worth in others.

I would like to challenge us all to first choose to be true, rather than seeking popularity or status.  Then, if you’re not satisfied with the current atmosphere in your surrounding, change it!  Make it what you want it to be.   Stop caring about appearance and your own attempts to get ahead.   Sit with an outsider, eat with someone who is alone.  Create a culture that brings waves of inclusion.

I had the honour of speaking at Alison Springer’s Young Women of Power conference a few weeks ago on the topic of friendships.  When I asked how many gals don’t feel they get along with other females, every hand in the room went up.  Women to women relationships are “interesting” and need restoration.  I wrote this post two years ago in a time when I was struggling with friendships with women.  Perhaps you relate.

You women freak me out.  I’m afraid of your judgments when I walk in the room.  Am I dressed well enough to impress you?  Too much that I intimidate you?  Do I come across too talkative or too shy?     Should I smile at you or pretend to ignore you?  Should I approach you with openness or put on an aloof facade?

Its hard to walk into a room when you all know each other and I know no one.  You seem to all flock together.  It would be ok if I thought you didn’t notice my presence, but that glance back with a look up and down just made me realize you’re very aware I’m there.  I wish you could have seen me smile at you in attempt to reach out, but you turned back so quickly.   I guess this is why girls don’t often go places alone.  It’s just so awkward…..

It’s that uncomfortable moment of frantically scanning the room for a friendly soul that scares me.   It’s always nice when you finally decide to come over to introduce yourself.  You have no idea how refreshing!  But its hard not to compare the experience to feeling like I’m in the middle of an initiation.   The fact you just walked away tells me I didn’t pass….

I appreciate the attempts of inviting me out for coffee and to the party you were hosting so you could introduce me to your friends.  When you’re the new girl, it’s nice to have an invitation to hopefully form new friendships.   I’m just confused when the invitations stop?   I guess we’re not friends then?   It’s hard to read you when you’re nice, but not inclusive…….

I love deep talks with you.  It’s stretching for me to be open and spill my heart out.  I go away from sharing my soul with you feeling safe and free!….. until another comes and repeats verbatim all I shared with you…..  You were the only one I told.  I feel even more betrayed when you act like nothing happened.

I’m thankful when you’re not threatened by things I’m good at.  It’s wonderful when we can cheer each other on and celebrate one another’s accomplishments.   But I have to admit, I find it draining to hear you talk about yourself only to shut me down when I’ve got something new and exciting in my life I’m dying to share with you.

I was flustered after you got offended with me speaking rather frank with you.  I thought you said we could speak freely to each other and not take it the wrong way?

And honestly, it drives me a bit crazy when you obsess about what other girls are doing.  You become a different person when you’re trying to impress them.  I’m not sure when you decided these girls are setting the social standard?   Why can’t you just not care and be yourself?

Sometimes I just want to give up on you…. but I can’t.  Somewhere deep in my soul I feel I was made to connect with you.  I feel more complete when I’m with you.   As much as I want to isolate myself from you, I long for a kindred to walk through life with.

So when you ignore me, I’ll still muster the courage to smile.   When I’ve been pushed out of the circle, I’ll still speak highly of you.  When you succeed, I’ll choose to cheer for you, even if its not returned.   I may not bear my heart and soul with you until I feel  my trust replenished, but I won’t with hold my hand from you.    I will look for you when you’re the one alone in the crowd.   And even though my time seems so limited, I will try to look for you outside of my comfortable circle of friends.   I won’t care if you have a different style or point of view than me.  I find that intriguing and fresh!

You may hurt me again and again in ways you don’t even realize, but in those moments I will run to the Father and He will give me the courage to face you again.   I may succumb to my wall or standoffish behavior again.  When I do, I’m sorry.  Time to head back to the Father again to break down my wall of judgment ….. and hopefully surprise me with a new, deep friendship that sharpens us to be more like Him.